Self-Portrait Pitch- "Love and Light, Lily"

 
     I was seventeen years old when I attempted to take my own life. I faintly remember writing a farewell letter and closing it with, "Love and Light, Lily." My suicide attempt failed when my friends discovered this letter which led to them ripping me off of the ledge of the roof of a four story historic building located in downtown Charleston, West Virginia. Reflecting upon this event now, I am so glad I am alive today. I believe ending my letter with "Love and Light, Lily" was my vision for how I wanted the world to be. Somewhere far beneath the disappointments and distances of today, somewhere deep within the core of my being, there is a flickering flame called hope that has been and cannot be extinguished. I think a part of me has always believed that love refracts like light and that if I could cast a bright enough beacon maybe some of it will shine back on me. To this day, I close all of the letters, emails, or notes I write with "Love and Light, Lily." I believe this is my vision for how I want to be in this lifetime. I have always been hesitant about putting love first because what came first in this world, the love or the lightness? Love and light are my proof of life, but the sadness is what grounds my being. For me, it gives love a whole new meaning
     For as long as I can remember, I have always had an overtly intimate relationship with pain.   Feeling too much is one of the best and worst things about me. Maybe I only hurt because I want to. Thoughts that are hard to hold; it is sadness paying a visit and then passing in waves. I see all of the beauty in my life, but my heart is such heavy weight. I have never known how to say anything that doesn't come from the heart. I am not sorry I am this way because this way feels more like me than any other way.
     I was twenty years old when my uncle took his life and when his twin brother attempted to take his as well. A question I find my mind wrapping around is, why do the people who shine the brightest happen to be the ones who do not have enough light for themselves? My goal for this project is to create a place of meaning for this pain by spreading love and light because I want to prevent others from feeling the way my family or I have. For I aim to spread love where it has been forgotten and spread light where it is needed most. I strive to be someone's sun that brightens up their day. I strive to be the moon that lights up their darkness. For I strive to be a conduit of love and a conductor of light.
     Most know me to be an extrovert who has a good heart, an ever growing curiosity, and  kind natured. My film will be a letter film addressed to an object, event, or thing I have not yet dec used (to be determined). I will close the film, just as I would a letter, "Love and Light, Lily." The purpose of my self-portrait is address the idea you can't always tell when a person is going through an emotional hell, even when they aren't physically conveying it. The format and theme of this film are identical; they will begin depicting depression’s two different dimensions: my external and interior environments. The film will begin identifying my exterior perception. The shots will be relatively long shot durations. The camera will not immediately introduce my identity to the audience. It will begin identifying the pieces that make up my body and slowly identify who I am. This first half of the film will slowly transition to shorter cuts to depict the second half of this film, the internalr side others do not see: my pain and suffering. I want it to be stroby, in your face, and painful to watch. I want this film to begin with a plethora of life and then seemingly breakdown, such as the process of depression. It will also address the stories others people project upon strangers, friends, or family around them. The sound will depict a heart beating-- lub dub, lub dub. In the beginning these heart beats will seem faint, but as the film transitions to exhibit my internal surrounding, it will grow louder and louder. I want it to be hard to ignore because when you are in pain or hurt, sometimes your only reminder of life is the physical sound of your heart beat. It will also contain a voice-over from a recorded voice-mail that will be verbally formatted as a letter; it will be addressed to someone with words that internalize the conversation between my brain and my heart. These words will be the lyrics of my chaotic soul song.With the combination both sound devices, I believe it will enhance my film's external and internal environments of myself.
     Does your art give or does your art take? This question continuously haunts me. So many of us live with incredible loneliness. Sometimes the loneliness is surrounded by plenty of people, but no connection, no touch, and little love. I want my self-portrait to give love and light to those who feel they are alone in there suffering because they aren't. I want the soul of my self-portrait to address the importance of the audience's radiance of love and light because the smallest things tend to have the largest impact. I want the audience to take from my self-portrait the importance of being kind. To reach out if you can because loneliness needs theur touch. This sadness and it's love and light are the dimensions of my life that make me who I am. I have always valued the power of love, but now I feel love in a whole new light. I want my self-portrait to inspire, engage, and provoke the audience to take the journey from the physical to the spirit. But what is art, if not the very heart, of who you are?