Final Class Reflection

I love experimental filmmaking, like a lot. I am heart broken Hurricane Florence robbed the duration of my love story with experimental film. In fact, I'm convinced that it's the single most powerful thing that filmmakers can do in their spare time in order to improve their other work, whether it be narrative, documentary, or something in between.

Before I began this class, I allowed myself to believe the stigma that I was merely a critical studies gal who adored experimental film, but was not capable of being a filmmaker. I had very little confidence in my production skills (except for cinematography). I knew how to to do the bare minimum that editing required, but I was cheating myself because of this interior space of mine that fears failure.

During this course when I announced I knew how to edit, I was completely fibbing. You can ask anyone who was with me in the editing lab while I was completing assignment 1D. I had a few questions about where things were, but then I just let my imagination roam free. During this course, I knew that I wanted to learn how to edit, but I did not believe in myself. During this class, I learned how to believe in myself. I learned that I am more than capable of editing and maybe this is a wonderful area for me to work in. After I created my assignment 1D, I learned about Paul Sharits in History of Avante-Garde and immediately knew that I was going to self identify myself with the work of Paul Sharits.

After this course, let me tell you, I am a changed woman. I have learned how to feel comfortable editing sound and editing in general. Not only did this class bring me a supportive female experimental filmmaker to look up to, but also an amazing and supportive and kind group of classmates. After this class, I feel as if there is a place in the experimental filmmaking waiting for me with open arms. One of the first places where I feel I truly belong. I also have an increased love of the film medium, which I did not believe was possible, but it very well is.

Although I am even more at a loss of words when it comes to defining avante-garde filmmaking than I was when I entered this class, I have learned filmmaking doesn't have to tell a story. There doesn't have to be characters. There doesn't even necessarily need to be a message of any kind. It can be visceral or mundane, engaging or a complete bore. It can be highly personal or overtly political. It can be literally anything. I have found myself viscerally attracted to that of the flicker genre because of its violent hyperactivity. Just as the flicker film genre is violently hyperactive, so is myself. I have finally found an area in film that my thoughts can keep up with. I have learned how all films have elements of photography, music, painting, dance, etc. However, narrative and documentary films don't necessarily use all of these artistic elements to their full potential; they're more focused on creating an enhanced sense of narrative reality than creating pure aesthetic art, which is why I have more of an appreciation for the experimental sphere of making film. While narrative film is focused on restriction, I have found myself completely engrossed in experimental film's creative freedom. I have learned I am free to throw any and all restraint to the wind and make creative decisions that would be "unacceptable" in the world of narrative film. I have learned the power abstract images can express: emotions, ideas, concepts, and literally anything else. I have learned the power of creative spontaneity. Through your work, experimental filmmaking has become this ability to express whatever the hell I want, in any way I want. Your cat just died and you're all torn up inside? Make a film about it. Girlfriend dumped you for a guy named Chad? Make a film about it. The point is that the films we have been making in class has been both cathartic and productive, and the process of making the film has helped me resolve, or at least gain perspective about issues I might be going through. Hence my breakdown before I showed my self-portrait. The days following my little anxiety attack, I woke up feeling stronger than I have in a really long time. With experimental filmmaking, anything and everything is possible. I have tried things with the camera that I would never think to do on a narrative set. In the editing room I have can stacked, manipulated, and composited videos to my heart's content. I have created the most insanely abstract images and sounds and re-arrange them in any way I saw fit. Since I have had very few creative restrictions in this class, I have learned to begin trying new things and, well, experimenting. It's through this experimentation that I bolstered my creative toolset, and created and mastered techniques that I may have not been able to incorporate within narrative and documentary. I have also learned my dispassion for conformity: the reason I have never been too thrilled with narratives and documentaries.

Experimental filmmaking is a world all its own and it's one that is often overlooked by the majority of filmmakers these days. It certainly shouldn't be, though. It's a unique and powerful art form that provides countless benefits beyond the fact that it allows us to be artists in the truest sense of the word. Because of this class, I want to pursue a career in creating experimental films, preserving experimental films, and restoring experimental filmmaker's history. I want to be Jonas Mekas one day. Maybe this is a high goal and expectations to set for myself, but I am a resilient force. Now, I believe in myself.